Of Lips and Lip Service: What to Make of Making Out

This was my column in Scroll yesterday:

I overheard a conversation in the McKay library the other day that intrigued me. Before I repeat what I heard, I should own up to the fact that I was intentionally eavesdropping, an activity I participate in every now and then for its entertainment value.

Here is what happened:

A girl walked up to what I assumed was her boyfriend looking very distraught and presenting him with a marked passage on a piece of paper. The boyfriend read the passage (which I later learned was President Spencer W. Kimball’s quote warning against “soul kissing”) and said, “Huh.”

“Did you know about this?” Girlfriend demanded.

“About — the kissing thing? Well, yeah. I mean, I’ve read it before”

“But...” Girlfriend’s voice dropped. “We make out all the time.”

“Yeah but there’s nothing wrong with that,” Boyfriend said.

Girlfriend looked confused. “So that’s not what it means?”

Boyfriend laughed. “No way! Look, we’re careful and we would never take things too far. And french kissing is not evil -— not if nothing else happens. You shouldn’t worry about this.”

Girlfriend = pacified. 

This conversation caused me to reflect on an activity quite basic to this campus: kissing. It is important because it signifies some degree of success in the dating realm, which realm is probably most crucial of all to the structure of BYU-Idaho. I thought perhaps I should pass on some wisdom regarding this subject. (You may note that I don’t include any of the direction that has been provided by the brethren. This is because we live under the Higher Law, meaning we can pick and choose which counsels we heed according to which we feel apply to us, much like Boyfriend and Girlfriend for whom “soul kissing” is perfectly acceptable because it won’t lead to any “real sins.”)

So here’s what you should know, fellow BYU-Idahoans, about K-I-S-S-I-N-G:

Kissing is like learning to play an instrument: practice makes perfect. So kiss a lot, every person with whom the opportunity arises. Non-committal make-outs are always a good idea. So is playing “Spin the Bottle” for FHE. It’s good to have a diverse kissing skill set to call upon in times of awkward silence or boredom. Your future spouse will appreciate your expertise.

If you’re going on a mission, fill your canteen. It’s an unspoken part of the physical preparation that is encouraged before entering the field. And if you’re a guy just getting home from a mission, be sure to talk about your experiences A LOT. Any sentence that starts with, “On my mission...” is a surefire way to attract girls to you, especially if you can work it into the sentence that you were AP/Zone Leader/District Leader/really-super-spiritual.

If you’re already in a relationship, please remember to show your love by kissing/canoodling in public! Do this everywhere, but especially at devotional and on campus when you are about to leave your lover to go to class. Single folk may feel a little discouraged or even disgusted by these displays, but it’s a vital tool of encouragement to prod them into relationships. And if they were being honest with themselves, they’d have to admit that they love seeing you and your significant other making out on campus.

If you haven’t kissed anybody in a while, a good thing to do is to put yourself on Craigslist with a clever little message like, “It’s cold outside and I need some lovin’!” After all, it doesn’t really matter who you kiss as long as you’re kissing.

If you are VL, don’t feel bad. Your first kiss will come and it will be the most defining moment of your life. Until then, listen to what people tell you about kissing! You might hear things like, “The wetter, the better,” or more specific tips about hand placement, nose alternation, etc. Take this advice in. It’s all gold.